Friday, March 15, 2013

A pair.


These two are quite a pair and so precious. I can no believe how big they are..... seems I have had snow photos of them for a while and each year they look like such little bitties... but not now. They are growing up and I am so thankful they have each other. I could have never imagined when I had Lily what kind of relationship they would have. And it is something so special. Love that God gave them each other so close in age. 



Thursday, March 14, 2013

Grieving and closeness to the Lord...

Grief, yes it makes me feel like an emotional mess. One moment I am fine, totally fine. Then the next a thought, song, .... nothing,  will trigger something and I'm a crying mess. There is no rhyme or reason for it. I have discovered something very sweet in the midst of this. There is this level of closeness, supernatural care and peace that I have experienced from God that I just never have come close to experiencing before. It is awesome. The way that He has carried me, because at times I have needed it, has been very powerful for me. I feel so changed inside. Not outside, look at me and you will see the same Jenn you saw a week ago. But inside, inside there is a different girl in there. A wounded girl that did not exist before. But because of that wound I have a new reality of Jesus, a new understanding of Him, and that is a gift. I have a connection with heaven like I have never had before. A new very real reason to look forward to getting there. So while I would much rather have my baby growing in my belly and life to be as it was planned a week ago, I'm not sure I would ever wish to not know how very real His care is, and how very real His promise is that he loves and takes care of His children. Thankful for the Lord, that in times of such disrepair  he holds us and mends our heart and just let's us cry.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Loss.

Wow. This is something that I have gone over in my mind many times but never would have guessed that I would be the one writing these words. But here I am writing these words. Funny how that happens. Death has actually never been a huge part of my life. All of my grandparents whom I knew growing up are still alive and really I have not had a lot of experience in that area. I always felt like maybe I wouldn't be cut out for grieving a loss like that. Well turns out no one is. Wednesday morning we began what seemed like the longest ride ever (today is Sunday) that began the loss of our precious 6th pregnancy. I still have to go to the Dr.s to make sure everything is going down like it should be. How crazy is that? They need to make sure my body has eliminated all things pregnancy that it just took 8 weeks for build. Seems so wrong. That five days ago I was happily pregnant, with dreams of this baby in my head and heart. Who they would be, how their age would fit into our family, boy/girl??, how pregnant I would be on vacation this year, where they would sit at our dining room table, ugh so many dreams. Every night we prayed or the family at dinner and for the new baby growing in my belly. Now instead it's prayers for healing and understanding. Now instead there are no more dreams of that life to be had. That is hard. And it has nothing to do with being thankful for what we have, because that is an entire post in itself because we could not be more aware than we are today of our blessings. But we don't collect children, they are each a special, individual gift to us. So this loss is just that, a loss of a special, individual gift. And that makes us sad.........