Not too proud to say....

I was going to get on here and do a big Thanksgiving post. And I still will because don't I know I have more than enough to be thankful for and we had a wonderful day that day. But today during our Church service I was convicted. It had to do with being fake. Now I don't think I'm a fake person and I strive not to be. Be I think it is sooo easy in this "blog world" to just blog when things are good. And I really don't feel like blogging sometimes when I'm ashamed or having a rough time. But truth is, when you don't, you can come across as having it a little too much together. And that is a lie. A lie that unknowingly can make other people feel like you are somehow more than you are. Stronger than you are or maybe a better mother wife than you are. And the truth is I am a sinner saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and his grace and mercy covers my sins but they are still there.
This weekend I was not the mother I strive to be. I am ashamed to say I wasn't the mother or the wife that I know that I need to be. Kyle is busy, and by that I mean he has a lot going on. Only for our family does he string himself out so much. He has a paper and PowerPoint presentation plus a final on Monday so this long weekend (which is never long enough) was spent mostly working on that. Bless his heart, he is so wonderful. So that has left me with a lot of time with just me and the kids. And how ugly it has been. I have yelled, fussed, punished, and spoken unkindly to my sweet children more this weekend than I care to admit. I have picked fights, pouted and been oh so unappriciative with my husband. Everything seemed so mundane and stressful. I did not do my task with joy in my heart and I was not thankful with my husband. I hate being like that. I hate feeling like that........ but I have a choice.
I can choose to stay in my mood or I can ask God for forgiveness, the forgiveness that he freely offers and change. I can use it as a tool or I can sit in my misery. And I choose to change. Today I have enjoyed the kids. I have not yelled or fussed unnecessarily. When Kyle had to leave after church to go finish his project I hugged him and told him I loved him with a very thankful heart, and I meant it. And now I'm taking refuge in this quiet time to reflect and learn. To talk with God and let him fill me like nothing else can. I am so thankful for this life and my relationship with the Lord. And thankful for forgiveness and the feeling of transparency right now. This is going to be great this week...... one moment at a time.